Tuesday, February 22, 2005

the age of uncertainty

Is the state of being unsettled an addiction, a habit some in my tribe my generation just can't get out of? Me, for instance - I have been undecided so long about my "true vocation" that I'm surely, at some level, resisting the finality of a decision. Gradually, am beginning to let myself be convinced of the conclusion that there need not be a conclusion to this my quest.

Then there is the restlessness that hit me a week back - should I grow roots with someone right now or is it too early; wouldn't it prevent me from growing upwards, towards the sky?

A friend wrote about herself, "...I ...realized that I was blaming lack of growth on someone who was just incidentally intimate."

But the obligations of intimacy can be fulfilled only with trust, and I, brat of the age of uncertainty, am afraid to let that trust in.


neha said...

Yes, it is an addiction. To be happy requires supreme effort. The possible joy and the possible fall from grace compete against each other. It is just easier to be slightly sad, and mostly hyper, as opposed to calm and mostly happy.

Why question what is happening? Let it happen. Let it be. We keep mauling our present with the baggage from the past. With images from Iranian movies. With stories told by Salinger. But girl, this is your life.

If something stops you from reaching skyward, it isn't the root, but the girth of your own trunk.

Obligations of intimacy are many. Worse still are the gifts of intimacy. (Buy one, get one free) With intimacy comes this incredible jealousy. This constant need to be assured, and yet we miss our old ways where assurances sought were none, and dependencies not talked about.

As Kristofferson said, 'Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.'

The incredible state.. is when you have all that you cannot afford to lose, and yet you are.. strangely free of the bonds they present.

Hope some of this ramble made sense. :)

gump, very gump said...

ahhmm..nice thoughts there from both you and neha...infact, this is what me and peers spend time discussing during coffee breaks these days.

and well, we have no conclusions/answers either...i though have built some ad-hoc theories and have chosen to continue to believe in them till contradiction arises. Life should only be disected on 'need-to-know' basis. But i understand, that 'the need' exists in your case and i can see the urgency. Good Luck :) Will keep track to know how things shape up for you :)

My 'two' cents though:
1. Intimacy, relationships are luxuries (as against neccessity), and just like most other luxuries, they are mostly expensive. The currency though could be freedom, faith et al. And to corelate with what neha said, if you have too much currency, its then when you live in fear of getting robbed. As for heights, Neha is so very right about grith.

2. I do believe that there is no 'true vocation'...infact for me, a prolonged comfort zone is the worst nightmare. An hour glass model is the best recommended for those in such turmoil. Diversity followed by depth/specialisation in one sphere and then eventually macro level roles.

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injinuity said...

You have to maintain a balance between intimacy and ambition, neither on its own is fulfilling lfelong, so you have to strike the right chord between the two... good luck.

ph said...

It isn't intimacy that does us in, for intimacy is such a wondrous thing. It is expectation.

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